Tomorrows...

For a variety of uninteresting reasons I haven't blogged in several months, but tomorrow I'm meant to be doing something I really don't want to do, and I'm using this to help me convince myself that it's the Right Thing To Do.

I have spent a lot of time since the autumn behaving in a purposely mindless way  because I really didn't (don't) want to accept the reality of a particular situation. The unfortunate problem with actions, however mindlessly undertaken, is that they have consequences, and consequences are often harder to ignore.

I had at one point wanted tomorrow to happen, or, perhaps more accurately, I did at least appreciate why it was necessary (those damn consequences again...), but the problem with appointments is that they aren't available for weeks and that provides more than enough time to talk yourself out of something, back into it again and then, for good measure, out of it once more.

Having been down this particular road before, I know enough about tomorrow to be sceptical (some might even say cynical...) but, other than not going, I don't have any other options and if I want things to get better (and I think at least part of me does), then I have to go. Except... not only do I have to go, but I have to be honest. It's not one of those appointments to which one can just rock up and then sit there while being prodded with a selection of devices, like a slab of meat. The probes will (I sincerely hope) be verbal and, if this to be anything other than a massive waste of time, I have to tell perfect strangers (please God, let them be perfect strangers) exactly what I have been doing since the autumn. Things I haven't told anyone, things which I don't like (am afraid) to admit to myself...

So why am I making myself do it? (Here comes the brutal bit...) Because if things don't change, then there is a chance that the consequences will prevent me from doing what I have planned (or anything much at all) and so I have to hope. I have to hope there is something better and that I can get back the person I used to be, the person who had vowed this wouldn't ever happen again, admittedly, but also the person who could trust her own thoughts and who wasn't going to let anything stop her from achieving her goals. I liked her.